I've cried many tears in the past three months, more tears than perhaps many newlyweds have. But then, I wonder. These are quiet tears, hidden tears, invisible in the silence behind closed doors... here alone in my apartment so that no one hears and no one sees. Tears born out of the pain of having displeased in-laws, disappointment that my husband did not cleave to me and our decision, and feeling emotionally distant from my physically distant husband.
I am comforted by the scriptures today in two ways. 1) I know that it is ok for me to feel this way, to have these tears and to cry our to my Father. 2) Yet, I also know that there are many blessings that the Lord has given me. There are so many wonderful beautiful things to praise God for.
Crying to Our Father
1 Save me, O God,
for the waters have come up to my neck.
2 I sink in the miry depths,
where there is no foothold.
I have come into the deep waters;
the floods engulf me.
3 I am worn out calling for help;
my throat is parched.
My eyes fail,
looking for my God. (Psalm 68:1-3)
I don't believe that hiding feelings or de-valuing the feelings of others is ever a good decision. If you feel sad, that is true. If you feel disappointed, that is true. Hiding your feelings may only make them come up again in a worse way, perhaps. But just like our parents, we have a heavenly Father who wants to hear everything... the good, the bad and the ugly. So we turn to Him and cry out for help, tell him how we feel... sinking into those miry depths where there is no foothold. We can express our lack of hope, our 'down' attitude, our disillusionment in a completely safe space. Our Father will not judge us, but He asks us to cast our cares upon Him. What a blessing. It seems instinctive that everyone else will want to give you a 'quick fix' or tell you not to feel the way you feel or at least tell you they wish you felt differently. Instead, our Lord listens and asks us to cast those cares upon Him, lay those burdens at His feet... take them from our heart to the Lord who can take it all upon Himself. After all, He already has.
Thanking Our Father
29 I am in pain and distress;
may your salvation, O God, protect me.
30 I will praise God's name in song
and glorify him with thanksgiving.
31 This will please the LORD more than an ox,
more than a bull with its horns and hoofs.
32 The poor will see and be glad—
you who seek God, may your hearts live!
33 The LORD hears the needy
and does not despise his captive people.
34 Let heaven and earth praise him,
the seas and all that move in them,
35 for God will save Zion
and rebuild the cities of Judah.
Then people will settle there and possess it;
36 the children of his servants will inherit it,
and those who love his name will dwell there. (Psalm 68:29-32)
Yet in the moments when I have tears, like the psalmist, I can move from having so many floods of tears "that rise up to my neck" to having hymns of praise. There are so many things to be thankful for. So many things for which we can praise our Lord. Praising God helps us to move away from our sadness into the joy that comes from the many gifts He has given to us...
I am safe, I am healthy, I will be starting a PhD program in a subject I enjoy, I have a nice place to live in, I have a puppy, I am able to run in the morning, I am able to enjoy the Tucson sunsets, I have a family that loves me and cares for me no matter what, and I have the hope that is in the Lord... that He will fill me with the power to overcome all things.
The Blessings are Greater, The Suffering is Light
18I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21that[i] the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God. (Romans 8:18-21)
And in comparing our present sufferings with the many blessings God has given us... we recognize that the sufferings come up short. It is simply not worth any more tears. So we can stop. And if you're having trouble coming up with blessings, you can revert to Paul's mention of God's ultimate blessing- salvation... Christ died to save us from our own sin and sent His Holy Spirit as counselor and teacher. What a beautiful gift... that can help us move away from our tears to the blessings.
Lord, thank you for Your many overabundant blessings. I praise You for You have done such amazing things in my life in the lives of so many, and I pray that You would fill me with Your Holy Spirit and enable me to be Your hands and feet here on earth. Help to heal the relationship, the relationship is more important than the name. And teach me how to be a Godly wife, a blessing to my husband, make me always more loving, always more selfless, always more forgiving, abundant in expressing the agape love that You have shown us as an example.
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